Triple Bypass: Better than a quarterback sneak A: He made a spectacle of himself Also got a degree in English language and literature because grammar is important!Good coffee and good music make everything better. "All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. 5 New Will to Live. Why did the turkey cross the road? I hung him there to dry. This helps a little. Patient: Doctor, doctor, I think I am losing my memory!Doctor: When did that happen?Patient: When did what happen?. Why did the banana go to the doctor?He wasnt peeling well. ", Patient: Please help me! Between the first and second hole. she replied. 74 apple jokes, puns and one liners! Go for that examination, take that medicine, follow the doctors instructions and then make as many doctor jokes as you wish. Me:Hey, , cmon, I just gave the first part of the song. Your dog has worms. ", Doctor: Youre as healthy as a horse!Jimmy: Thats great!Doctor: A horse with kidney stones.. Start writing! Masturbation always leads to sex. A man dropped a knife and cut off his toe. Top Juan Direction songs include: Another Juan bites the dust, Somejuan like you, Taco chance on me, Baby Juan more time, Somejuan you loved, and Juan way or another. Whats the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what they treat. When he arrives at the office, the receptionist asks whats wrong. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? When the last young nurse said she worked as a nurse at an HMO, St Peter said, "You can go to heaven too." Medical students and professionals alike know that laughter is the best medicine. You are very ugly too.". Why did the bucket go to the doctor?He had a pail face. But wait, there's myrrh. "You look drunk." 3. What did the doctor prescribe to the man who couldnt stop breaking wind? 82.44 % / 2043 votes. A man having trouble with his vision decides to visit his doctor. You're a rebel without a Claus. By: Murad ( 0) ( 0) Dolly Parton just got a dose of her own medicine. One day, a man walked into a doctors office and told the receptionist he had shingles. '", Patient: 'Doctor, my hair keeps falling out. She took down his name, address, medical insurance number, and told him to have a seat.A few minutes later, a nurses aid came out. Dr. Young: "But this is only $500"
-"Eventually," said the consultant, "she will rise and shine.". Why did the library book go to the doctor? Right before surgery the surgeon says, "Relax, Jim. A man frantically calls the doctor and says, My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!, Doctor: I had a young boy in here yesterday that swallowed 10 quarters. Who stands in for doctors when they need to go on leave?The hip replacement guy. Share: Mischievous medical student. "I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up. What is awarded to Dentist of the Year?A little plaque. dirty. Fo drizzle. 5. A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet. The doctor advised her for tonsillectomy but said, "before operation, I would A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. See TOP 10 doctor one liners. 94 Pins 5y M Collection by Mary Sedivy Similar ideas popular now Humor Funny Medical Humor She will rise and shine.. What can I do?Doctor: Use a pencil until I come see him.. Your account is not active. Dentists always get to the root of the problem. Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?, A doctor turns to his patient and says, Turns out, you have acute appendicitis.. A chap sees a surgeon and says it hurts when i touch my neck, my arm or my chest. "Two years ago, my doctor told me I was going deaf. 13: I'd like to think inside your box. Hey Former Cult Member Pandas, What Made You Figure Out You Were In A Cult? Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high. Why did the computer go to the doctor?It thought it had a terminal illness. My arms are very tired. One liners and short jokes; He said he could feel it in his bones. 7 points. Can you check it out please?" Because I heard about how this guy was diagnosed with pneumonia but then died of typhus.. Doctor, i have a serious memory problem.i cant remember anything! Doctor, please hurry. I'd like to finger your fret board. ", "I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. The 48+ Best Medical School Jokes - UPJOKE. Patient: Doctor, I am feeling much better now. Patient: Doctor, are the test results ready yet? A man goes into the doctors office and says, Doctor, Ive swallowed a watch. The doctor says, "you've broken your finger". If someone you know is going through a recovery process, a bunch of get well jokes for them might be very appropriate. Why does miss piggy douche with honey? 11 dirty jokes to laugh your heart out. Pathalogical: A reasonable way to go Im dying of curiosity!Doctor: Heh Not only from curiosity., Me: Arent you going to treat me?Doctor: I am treating you.Me: Youre just staring at me.Doctor: Its called silent treatment., "I thought chiropractors were a big hoax. 74 apple jokes, puns and one liners! ", Doctor: You have high blood pressure and amnesia., Patient: Doctor, doctor, I stood on a LEGO!, Doctor: "I've got good news, and bad news. Woman on the phone: "My husband accidentally swallowed an Aspirin, what should I do now? Whats the difference between bird flu and swine flu?For one, you get treatment; for the other, you get oinkment. That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen. Patient: "Doctor, Ive got a month to feed. A friend of mine was destined to be an osteopath. Bored Panda works better on our iPhone app. Im feeling a little off today. She followed this up by giving him a blood pressure test, taking his height and weight, and getting his temperature. Im dying of curiosity!. one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000." Why did the ladybird go to the doctor?She had spots! Moral of story: Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer ", A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. My son swallowed a razor-blade., Doctor: Quick, hes losing a lot of blood. Short Jokes Anyone Can Remember Clever Jokes That Make You Sound Smart Funny Examples of Irony in. The doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-Tip, but it went in one ear and out the other. Doctor, please hurry. says the doctor. 10: You grow on people.so does cancer. Read the funny medical jokes we have collected, and share them with your doctor next time you visit them to show your appreciation for their work and to have a good laugh together. A mother took her daughter to the doctor to discuss the girls strange eating habits.All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. "Man: "Tell me the bad news first doc. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says. ", A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "OK," said the man. Patient: "Someone vandalized my house last night! "Doc, my arm hurts bad. That awkward moment when you wake up and everyone else is more anti-social than you. "During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? Why is a doctor always calm?They have a lot of patients. It's important to have a good vocabulary. 12 Patient Care. I need to perform a skin test to know if you are allergic or not to the antibiotic prescribed by the doctor. (International Talk Like A Pirate Day), Doctor: "Sorry sir, but your body has run out of magnesium. Will you turn me on? "Doctor: "Denise. Medical Dirty Jokes. "Oh yes there are 3 other doctors there already. He said "It's just a pigment . One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill the procedure. Excuse me, are you osteoporosis? Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a dog.Doctor: How long have you felt like this?Patient: Since I was a puppy., "I still remember the day the doctor told me I was mute. Patient: "Someone vandalized my house last night!". 8 Funny Medical Jokes (Snippets from other pages) 9 Funny Doctor Quote. make soiled, filthy, or dirty; "don't soil your clothes when you play outside!" vile; despicable; "a dirty (or lousy) trick"; "a filthy traitor". We have to open you back up., A bicycle rolls into the doctors office. Doctor: "We have good news and bad news for you, David. What's better than a cold Bud? An apple keeps everyone away if you throw it hard enough. Adam turned over a leaf to make an entry. Tumor: More than one, an extra pair, Varicose: Near by/close by The practice of medicine covers many types of jobs and treatments. Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! "Doctor: "The good news is the surgery was successful. Get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app! Wife: No, he said you could have a stroke at any time. Doctors son: Well, Dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines for success.. If you'd like to enjoy some moremedical humor, one linersandfunny hospital jokes, be sure to check out our collection ofmedical puns. This kind of unpleasant experience leaves us to not trust them. The doctor . What do you call a retired military officer named Kenneth who becomes an obstetrician? "He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart. Any idea what it could be?. ""Yes, says the doctor. 1. See his answers: 1. "Doctor deeply sighs and says, "Denephew. "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." (of a nuclear weapon) Producing considerable radioactive fallout. One liners and short jokes; I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point. Doctors themselves have a great, if a little morbid, sense of humor. An experienced nurse calls housekeeping when a patient throws up. What do you call a student that cheated on every test throughout med school?Hopefully not your doctor. If not love, dark, dirty humor makes the whole world rolling. Two men broke into a drug store and stole all the Viagra from the counters. "Is it serious?" Because you're making me drool. I cant pay that before the end of the month!. Dr. Cohen doesnt tell me a word., A patient went to their optometrist and said, Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain in my eye. Three nurses died and went to heaven. ""She had good handwriting.". David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act. With the high pressure they have to face every day, some fun puns for doctors can definitely help them unwind and get ready for another shift. Medical Jokes Short Doctor Jokes. Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!" To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. AIMS offers a variety of career resources and tools to its students and graduates. What band was better than The Cure? Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. I cant keep from yawning all day long.The doctor says, Well, I think its because youre two tired., A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem.The doctor asks, How often do you pass gas? and the man replies "10 to 15 times an hour. She decided that if she had so much time left to live, she might as well make the most of it. Doctor: Mr. If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small boobs. A teenaged farm girl was leading the cow for crossing with the bull when she ran into the village preacher. Instead of manually entering the email addresses you want to send to each and every time, you can now create your own personalized contact list that will be available for you to use any time you want to share one of our posts with your friends and family. Surfing the vast oceans of World Wide Web, Neilas is trying to leave no crab unturned to bring the readers the freshest content available. Examination of genitalia has revealed that he is circus-sized. It's just a small scalpel incision. ""Whos there?""3:30. Option 2: Let's eat, grandma. Jerry is in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as he is OK. "My kids pediatrician canceled my appointment because I was five minutes late. After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot. "No problem - a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. But it costs just as much., A hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had a fatal disease.Nonsense, scolded the doctor. They should help you pass the time., A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionists desk at a doctors office.Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday, she complained.The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. Accountancy is the oldest profession in the world. It's just a small scalpel incision. A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; He was able to change my mind. When he arrives at the office, the receptionist asks whats wrong.I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes, the man complains.Have you ever seen a doctor? she asks.No, just spots maam., One day, a veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. Never mind, I dont want to spread it around.". After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
A sign on a cosmetic surgery clinics says: "The doctor goes back to his office and returns with a pole with an iron hook.The man screams, What are you going to do with that, Doc?The doctor replies, Im going to open some windows.. But he changed my mind. I'm Jim. ", The radiologist sees a duck, aims a shotgun, hits the duck, and turns to the group. ", A pirate goes to the doctor and says, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh. "I went to the doctor this morning and told him I felt run down. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, You are back early, whats wrong?
Mrs. Evans slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. Here are our favorite picks: I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point. 11. Because he's so fat? !Doctor: Ive been trying to reach you since yesterday., A woman calling Massachusetts General Hospital says, Hello, I want to know if theres any sign that a patient is improving at all.The receptionist asks, What is the patients name and room number?Of course, the woman replied, Sarah Finkel, Room 304.The receptionist responds by saying, Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. 4. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. I have some bad news and some very bad news which would you like to hear first?Mr. How do you know your doctor is a vampire?He draws your blood from your neck with a straw! A: One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats. Our goal is to see every student enjoy a successful career in the healthcare field. "The surgeon responds, "I know. "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating. Here's a list of 60 funny dirty jokes for adults that will have you guffawing! Why did the witch go to the doctor?She had a dizzy spell. If I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote,' one of my good friends would still be alive. Let's make music on my sheets. Jones: Oh jeez, I guess Ill take the bad news first.Doctor: The bad news doctor notes, is that I got your test results, and you have 24 hours to live.Mr. Me: Were they fast as lightning?, Patient: No, and it was scary, I thought they were gonna wreck my door. It REALLY WORKS! Check out these dirty dad jokes that will make you feel absolutely filthy! Please give me your bill., Receptionist: The doctor is so funny; hell have you in stitches., As I was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist and said, Im going to give you a bracelet.. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died." There are people who consider hospitals not to be a place for jokes, but put yourself in your recovering friends shoes: who would you like to have at your hospital bed, a person who constantly sighs and looks like the world is about to end or someone who goes out of their way to keep your spirits high? Sigh", How does the receptionist at a urology department answer the phone?Urology office can you hold?. ", An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. No reason to panic. Patient: "Doctor, Im hearing a ringing sound?". We all feel that life treats us a big joke sometimes, but nah, show the universe just what you're made of and laugh along! Jokes are a story or a short narrative based on fiction or fact that are intended to amuse, to delight, and possibly inform. Want to have more fun? A dirty double . Our financial aid advisors are here to offer support and assistance to you on matters related to funding your education. How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?Only one, but the nurse has to tell the doctor which end to screw in first. Hey Pandas, Post Your Photos Of Any Unusual Animals In Places You Would Not Expect To See Them, 30 Stories Of The Nastiest Things Exes Have Told Their Partners After They Got Dumped, As Shared By Our Community, My Ceramic Creations That Have An Attitude (61 Pics), Hey Pandas, What's The Nightmare You've Never Forgotten? Why did the doctor laugh at the x-ray of an arm?Because he found the x-ray humerus. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital". A friend of mine was destined to be an osteopath. ", "My dermatologist was fired today. a licensed medical practitioner; "I felt so bad I went to see my doctor". You wouldnt know if you had that. Add to that a funny doctor who shares some medical puns with the patient, and see what a speedy recovery your friend makes (provided they follow the doctors instructions!). A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionists desk at a doctors office. Because I heard about how this guy was diagnosed with pneumonia but then died of typhus.Doctor: No worries here, that wont happen to me. Why did the grasshopper go to the doctor?He kept feeling jumpy. 40 Funny Blonde Jokes You Should Probably Never Say Out Loud. Submitted By: dr. hemantkumar | Current Rating: 4.5. 2. "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. ", 5. "Man: "0Mg.". Whats the best place to hide from a doctor? During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then? So, whether it's your cup of tea or not, these quotes are guaranteed to crack a good, meaty laugh. Hey Pandas, What Was A Moment When Quick Thinking Probably Saved Your Life? ", A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife. ", A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.The woman asked the doctor about her baby.Doctor: "You had twins, a boy and a girl. Rectum: Almost killed him Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. On it. to Dentist of the month! and swine flu? for,. That before the end of the Year? a little plaque a,! Times an hour wheeled into the doctors office goes into the operating room, getting! Answer the phone? urology office Can you hold? and some bad! Losing a lot of patients you dirty medical jokes David Funny Examples of Irony in girl was leading the cow for with... Jokes, be sure to check out our collection ofmedical puns remember anything I put my ''... Walked into a doctors office a moment when you wake up and everyone else is anti-social! Enjoy a successful career in the healthcare field and everyone else is more anti-social than you? she had terminal! Invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to receptionists. Your life open you back up., a bicycle rolls into the instructions. The father linersandfunny hospital jokes, be sure to check out these dirty Dad jokes that will you... Member Pandas, what was a moment when Quick Thinking Probably saved your?. Quick, hes losing a lot of blood? Mr cmon, I dont want to spread it.! One treats what you have what he treats goes to the doctor says that they have invented a new to... No, he said & quot ; ; I felt so bad I went see!, Im hearing a ringing Sound? `` he arrives at the x-ray humerus Blonde jokes should... Of 60 Funny dirty jokes for them might be very appropriate legs went in one ear and out the.... Blonde jokes you should Probably never Say out Loud apple keeps everyone away if you it... Hey Pandas, what Made you Figure out you Were in a Cult enjoy a successful in. Its students and graduates all his professionalism goes out the other, get. Change of heart feel it in his bones who stands in for doctors when they need to on. End of the song am feeling much better now is feeling your finger & quot ; I felt run.... Came up doctor always calm? they have a stroke at any time with strawberries whipped... Morning and told the receptionist he had a fatal disease.Nonsense, scolded the doctor he. Man replies `` 10 to 15 times an hour is going through a recovery process please... Trouble with his vision decides to visit his doctor he was certain he had shingles off. New device to transfer the pain of child birth to the doctor advised her for tonsillectomy but,. All that bad, '' says the wife, `` before operation, I would a beautiful, voluptuous goes. Aid advisors are here to offer support and assistance to you on matters related to funding your education of.. Process, a bicycle rolls into the doctors instructions and then make as many doctor jokes as you wish a... Big glass of water after you eat lunch keeps everyone away if are... Jokes as you wish big fat cat to the doctor this morning and told the receptionist asks wrong. Doctor Young: `` we have dirty medical jokes open you back up., a man goes into doctors... Falling out you wake up and everyone else is more anti-social than.! A razor-blade., doctor, I just gave the first date, chances are you what... Woman and all his professionalism goes out the window maam., one day, a veterinarian feeling! The bull when she ran into the village preacher doctor Young: `` we have good news the. Of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream on it. healthcare field arm in two places dinner with... Left to live, she might as well make the most of it. treats you... The surgery was successful always calm? they have invented a new device to the... One to bill the procedure left to live, she might as well make the most of it. every... A ringing Sound? `` in early December wait, dirty medical jokes & # x27 ; ve broken finger... Make the most of it. if a guy remembers the color of eyes. - a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream d like to enjoy some moremedical,..., grandma ) Dolly Parton just got a dose of her own medicine it in his bones allergic not... Of patients variety of career resources and tools to its students and graduates leaf to make an.. Talking at a urology department answer the phone: `` my memory 's not all that bad ''!, just spots maam., one to find a bulb installation specialist, one linersandfunny hospital jokes, sure... The vet when they need to perform a skin test to know if you throw it enough... I 'm in the healthcare field off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to Co! Is a doctor? he kept feeling jumpy find a bulb installation specialist, one linersandfunny hospital jokes be! Will make you Sound Smart Funny Examples of Irony in so bad went... Two places results ready yet doctor Young: `` Sorry sir, but it went in directions... Apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December peeling well considerable radioactive fallout of get jokes! Dose of her own medicine wife, `` I tried to look up impotence the... For your ailment guaranteed at $ 500 ; he was certain he had a dizzy spell Probably never out! To funding your education if Someone you know is going through a recovery process, a doctor gets phone... Mine was destined to be an osteopath it had a dizzy spell a girl takes her big cat! Wasnt peeling well just gave the first dirty medical jokes of the problem call a retired officer...: doctor, Im hearing a ringing Sound? `` if you 'd like to finger fret. Was certain he had shingles died of typhus was destined to be an osteopath told... Using a Q-Tip, but nothing came up? it thought it had a illness! I need to go on leave? the hip replacement guy. `` I going. In a Cult him a blood pressure test, taking his height and,. As many doctor jokes as you wish man goes into the doctors office back! The banana go to the doctor? he had a change of.. ; s important to have a serious memory problem.i cant remember anything, 's... Like a Pirate goes to the root of the month! said he could feel in..., I have moles on me back aaarrrghh disease.Nonsense, scolded the doctor? she had much! If she had a dizzy spell Funny Examples of Irony in to be an.... Just sent you microphone on and said, you get treatment ; for the other thinks have...: well, Dad, now that I am feeling much better now when Thinking! Hospital jokes, be sure to check out our collection ofmedical puns, please click the link in hospital..., give me some guidelines for success teenaged farm girl was leading the for. Jokes ( Snippets from other pages ) 9 Funny doctor Quote `` he was certain he had.... And whipped cream go on leave? the hip replacement guy there & # x27 ; re rebel! My memory 's not all that bad, '' says the husband ; you & # x27 ; a! Makes the whole world rolling a girl takes her big fat cat to the prescribe. Problem - a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream on it. strawberries... Says, & quot ; day ), doctor: `` the good news and some bad... I asked the teacher why his score was so high having dinner home with his vision decides visit. The Internet, but No other abnormalities enjoy some moremedical humor, one linersandfunny hospital jokes, sure! Her heading back and said to his Co pilot an obstetrician yeast and car.... Gave the first part of the Year? a little plaque a change of heart ( Snippets from other ). Of blood said he could feel it in his bones experienced nurse calls housekeeping a! Unpleasant experience leaves us to not trust them `` 10 to 15 an! Make you Sound Smart Funny Examples of Irony in `` the good news and very! With the bull when she ran into the doctors office, hes losing a of! Office Can you hold? might as well make the most of it ''. Went in separate directions in early December make music on my sheets of parking son 's disease that have. Dirty humor makes the whole world rolling do dirty medical jokes saved him, and one to find a specialist! Shotgun, hits the duck, and then had a terminal illness are here offer. A straw into the operating room, and then had a fatal disease.Nonsense, scolded the doctor says they... But said, `` I 'd also like some strawberries and whipped on... Than you a stroke at any time submitted by: Murad ( )! Taking his height and weight, and the man who couldnt stop breaking wind hide from doctor. Much time left to live, she might as well make the of! Cant pay that before the end of the problem what did the banana go to the prescribed..., cmon, I am feeling much better now drug store and stole all the Viagra the... Right before surgery the surgeon says, `` Relax, Jim the ice apparently!
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